This week we're going to explore how to actually have a conversation - not an argument or contemptuous exchange - with your Drill Sgt.

The purpose for learning how to do this is that the current relationship you have within yourself is damaging. The critical voice inside which I refer to as The Drill Sgt. is attempting to motivate you through criticism but that will never work. Believe me, if there was any merit at all to that idea you'd be a perfect 10, adored by all, and a multimillionaire by now.

The truth is, berating yourself and pressuring yourself as a method of creating action and change will never work in the long run. If you don't want to listen to or take action on those criticisms and pressures you just find a way to tune them out: Like food!

It's clear that if you want to have success in letting go of using food to cope you have to first address the connection you have with yourself. You have to love and regard yourself positively before you'll really care enough about yourself to change your coping behaviours and make honoring choices around food and friendship and self-care.

Now, loving yourself doesn't mean settling or saying that you like where you are right now. Not at all. Loving yourself means that you believe you are worthwhile. You believe you are deserving of being the best that you can be. That is loving yourself.

The Drill Sgt. makes it very hard for you to love yourself because he keeps telling you everything that is wrong with you and why you will never get to where you want to be. And you believe him. You've been listening to him for so long that you don't even realize that there is another part of you in there who actually has the power to do things differently. It's time to begin to connect with that piece of yourself and to allow that part to invite the Drill Sgt. to share with you his concerns in a way that allows you to hear them without harm.

You see the Drill Sgt. really does have your best interests at heart. He just doesn't know any other way to support and motivate you to be the best that you can be than to judge, criticize, pressure and berate you. That may sound a little odd but just think for a moment about the key players in your life as a child and even now as an adult. Did any of them try to motivate you that way? Did any of them give you feedback in a way that resembles your Drill Sgt.? Very likely so.

So, now, the key is to not get sucked in when the Drill Sgt. in you makes a comment about you. Whether he's talking about something you've done or "should" have done, or something you're going to do it doesn't matter. Just invite yourself to notice when he's giving you a hard time. You might find this easier if you pick some specific issue like your weight or food: Something that is obvious and up a fair amount right now. Then just notice when the internal criticism kicks in and then, instead of tuning it out or saying "screw off" or worse "yeah, you're right!" try this: Say, "Drill Sgt. what is your intention in saying that?"

After the stunned silence, the Drill Sgt. will respond. And regardless of what he says, you say "And what is important about that?" He'll respond and you say "And what is important about that." Keep asking and keep listening but don't lose sight of your role here. You're seeking to understand what is at the very base of his criticism and the only way to get to that is to keep asking what's important about that until you know, you just know, that there is no further to go. That's at least 5 or 6 times the first time you try this and usually 3 or so times the next few times so don't stop too soon.

Typically the answer you come up with from the Drill Sgt. will be something that is about him wanting you to be happy and somewhere along the line you've given him the message that until you look a certain way or weight a certain number or have a certain thing you will not be happy. Being an all-or-nothing thinker, the Drill Sgt. is going to do whatever it takes to make you happy! Lookout, you've created a monster! Now it's time to tame the beast. Rein him in and bring him back into the fold. You see the Drill Sgt. has many strengths and when he learns to temper them with balance, empathy and compassion, he will be a valuable asset. It's your job to train him and create a strong connection that leads to a sense of true wholeness and integration within. The way to do that is to begin to listen, really listen to what he's saying. "what is your intention in saying that, and what is important about that?" Those are key questions to be asking your Drill Sgt. any time you are conscious of some internal judgement or criticism taking place. Yes, I am aware, that could be 24/7 right now, but you've got to start somewhere. Notice what you notice and just apply this tool to those conversations when you're aware. And when the last piece is shared and you hear from within that he is only behaving that way to try and make you happy, the response you offer is key: Thank you, I appreciate your intention. And that way of trying to make me happy actually makes me miserable! Would you be willing to speak to me in a gentle tone and use words that you would use with someone you greatly love and respect?

That's the key. Inner dialogue that is gentle and respectful. Inner dialogue that demonstrates the true caring that you have for yourself. For even if you believe on some level that you are worthless or undeserving of peace and good things, there is still a fundamental part of you that knows that you are deserving of love and peace and happiness and that is why you continue to strive for self-acceptance and happiness. You've just been focussing on the wrong place. Food and body image focus won't get you anywhere near where you want to be. Connecting with yourself and building a strong, integrated whole will take you the distance and then some.

Here are some quotes from Gary Zukav; Author of a number of books including "The Seat of The Soul."

Enjoy

The journey to wholeness requires that you look honestly, openly and with courage into yourself, into the dynamics that lie behind what you feel, what you perceive, what you value and how you act. It is a journey through your defenses and beyond so that you can experience consciously the nature of your personality, face what it has produced in your life and choose to change that.

Within each experience of pain or negativity is the opportunity to challenge the perception that lies behind it, the fear that lies behind it, and to choose to learn with wisdom. The fear will not vanish immediately, but it will disintegrate as you work with courage. When fear ceases to scare you, it cannot stay.

When you choose to learn through wisdom, to evolve consciously, your fears surface one at a time in order for you to exorcise them with inner faith. This is how it happens. You exorcise your own demons. Do not despair as your humanness awakens. Feel the intentions in your heart. Feel not what your mind tells you. Rather than serve the fake gods of your mind, serve your heart, the real God. You will not find God in your intellect. Divine intelligence is in the heart.

-Gary Zukav

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