An excerpt from the Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz (available at The CEDRIC Centre library)

The problem with humans is that they don't know they have a magical kitchen in their heart. All this suffering begins because long ago we closed our hearts and we no longer feel the love that is there. At some point in our life, we became afraid to love, because we believed love isn't fair. Love hurts. We tried to be good enough for someone else, we tried to be accepted by someone else, and we failed. We have already had two or three lovers and a few broken hearts. To love again is to risk too much.

We are so afraid to love because it isn't safe to love. The fear of rejection frightens us. We have to pretend to be what we are not; we try to be accepted by our partner when we don't accept ourselves. But the problem is not that our partner rejects us. The problem is that we reject ourselves, because we are not good enough, because that is what we believe.

Self-rejection is the main problem. You are never going to be good enough for yourself when the idea of perfection is completely wrong. It's a false concept; it's not even real. But you believe it. Not being perfect, you reject yourself, and the level of self-rejection depends upon how strong the adults were in breaking your integrity.

After domestication, it is no longer about being good enough for anyone else. You are no longer good enough for yourself, because the Big Judge is always there, reminding you that you are not perfect. As I said before, you can never forgive yourself for not being what you wish to be, and that's the real problem. If you can change that, you take care of your half of the relationship. The other half is not your problem.

If you tell someone you love him, and that person says, "Well, I don't love you," is that a reason for you to suffer? Just because someone rejects you doesn't mean you have to reject yourself. If one person doesn't love you, someone else will love you. There is always someone else. And it's better to be with someone who wants to be with you than to be with someone who has to be with you.

You have to focus on the most wonderful relationship you can have: the relationship with yourself. It is not about being selfish; it is about self-love. These are not the same. You are selfish with yourself because there is no love there. You need to love yourself, and the love will grow more and more. Then, when you enter a relationship, you don't go into it because you need to be loved. It becomes a choice. You can choose someone if you want to, and you can see who he really is. When you don't need his love, you don't have to lie to yourself.

This powerful excerpt was chosen and prepared by Virginia! Thanks V.

Asian News International Washington, May 18, 2005

A study published in the latest issue of Psychology of Women Quarterly reports that yoga leads to greater body satisfaction and fewer symptoms of eating disorders than traditional aerobic exercise like jogging or using cardio machines.

Yoga practitioners reported less self-objectification, greater satisfaction with physical appearance, and fewer disordered eating attitudes compared to non- yoga practitioners. In yoga class, a woman develops sensitivity to bodily sensations and practices listening to her body's feedback.

"This heightened sensitivity and responsiveness to bodily sensations is associated with less preoccupation of physical appearance, more positive views of the body, and more healthy regulation of food intake," lead author Jennifer Daubenmier said.

The greater the number of hours a woman practiced yoga in a week was associated with even less self- objectification and greater satisfaction with her body, while the more hours a woman spent performing aerobic activity was linked with greater disordered eating.

Three types of women were studied: those currently taking yoga classes, those partaking in aerobic classes, and those who had not participated in either for the past two years. Participants were asked to complete a survey on "women and exercise" that they completed at home and mailed back.

While the second study consisted of undergraduates, a population known to be at greater risk for self- objectification and eating disorders. The results were consistent in both studies. "Through yoga, this study suggests that women may have intuitively discovered a way to buffer themselves against messages that tell them that only a thin and 'beautiful' body will lead to happiness and success," Daubenmier added.

Hi - It's Michelle here - I'd like to add that there are many great yoga tapes and videos out there that allow you to experiment with the different forms of yoga and to begin to feel comfortable with a variety of poses. I assure you that you will notice a difference in the tone of your body and in your ability to be compassionately present in your body immediately following your first yoga session - and that lovely experience just grows and grows. Now add to that a mindfulness practice or meditation and you will begin to attain a sense of peace and balance that you have never felt before.

Hello Readers, this month I want to say a few words about something very quick and simple that you could do today that would make an enourmous difference in how you feel about your body and how much compassion and patience you have for your recovery process. In short: Allow yourself to wear only clothes that fit you comfortably.

Comfortable clothes mean you're not constantly thinking about your fat; this roll or that roll; cellulite; sucking in your stomache; and how much you can't wait to get home so you can put your sweats or your housecoat on.

Comfortable clothes mean you're not punishing yourself any longer and harming yourself with truckloads of bad body thoughts and the irritability that comes from being uncomfortable in what you're wearing. Nothing will make you think nasty thoughts about your body faster and more frequently than tight or uncomfortable clothing.

And if you're one of many who use food to cope with your feelings then your frustration, disgust, anger, sadness, fear etc. that is triggered by your bad body thoughts will lead you to eat for comfort faster than anything else! So, if you're resisting buying comfortable clothes because you don't feel deserving or you want to "motivate" yourself to lose weight please remind yourself that this line of thinking is all drill seargent and no compassion and all you've ever gained by listening to the drill sgt. is low self-esteem and more weight.

And if you're telling yourself that you're not going to buy new clothes because you're planning on losing weight consider the following points. 1. Uncomfortable clothes bring your attention to your body and lead you to criticise yourself, feel down and use food to cope. 2. Ill fitting clothes do not make you feel motivated and energized to change your relationship with food in the long run. 3. Any lasting change that you might make in your relationship with food or exercise takes time to initiate and time to see results. 4. Allowing yourself to have clothes that feel comfortable, even if that means a biggger size is not a license to gain weight. If you have gained weight after buying bigger clothes before it's because you never actually did anything at that time to change the underlying cause of your weight gain and not because your clothes were comfortable and you were less motivated (which is what the drill sgt. will tell you).

And, if you're saying you won't buy comfy clothes for your body because you hate shopping or absolutely won't allow yourself to wear a size X or you don't have the money - lame lame lame. Yes shopping for a body that is larger than its natural size isn't as much fun as shopping for one that is. Your choices are more limited and the styles are too. And, you can find something that will fit you comfortably and allow you to take your focus off the size of your body in a negative way which only perpetuates your use of food to cope. Your drill sgt. may have in mind the size you're "supposed" to be and nothing else is acceptable - and, reality is, you currently weigh what you currently weigh, you are the size you are at this moment and accpeting that doesn't mean you're choosing to settle for that, it means you've stepped out of denial where no growth and change can happen and you've stepped into self-care and self- respect which is the only place lasting change can occur.

There are myriad second hand shops even some that cater specificially to plus sizes, if that is your need. The prices are reasonable and there is a decent selection. So, you can afford some new comfy things. I know it's not ideal; I know it feels like second best or worse; and I know that you won't feel motivated to heal and let go of food as a coping strategy by squeezing yourself into clothes that are too tight and painfully uncomfortable.

If you were to take my advice as part of your healing process you would go out and allow yourself to buy some new underwear, bras (if you're female!) shirts and bottoms that fit comfortably, even with room to spare - ahhhhhhhh, comfort. You would then take everything out of your drawers and closet that doesn't fit comfortably and pack them away so you don't see them for now and have only those clothes that fit you well to choose from - even if that's just 3 outfits, it's reality! All the other stuff in your closet just takes up space now and reminds you of your body and creates bad thoughts. And remember, bad body thoughts, just like eating when you're not hungry, are coping strategies too - they're indicators of unmet needs and the more you create a safe and respectful environment for yourself the easier it will be for you to be conscious of your unmet needs and meet them without the use of harmful coping strategies. Trust me. Michelle

One of the cornerstone pieces of recovery work, whether it is from drug or alcohol addiction, or disordered eating, is the cultivation of gratitude. Practicing gratitude marks a significant shift out of the role of victim and into the role of co-creator. Recently, I came across an article by Sylvia Boorstein, a mindfulness meditation teacher and psychotherapist from the US. In the article she wrote about sharing a gratitude practice via email with a friend. I decided to give it a try, and now, I'd like to pass it on to you!

What we do is take a minute out of the day and jot down what we are feeling gratitude for, and then we send it to a friend, who then responds in turn. The key piece is that we don't actually respond to the contents of our friends' email, we bare witness to her gratitude. And she in turn does likewise. For example, an entry might look something like this;

Just reflecting on how everything changes, and how grateful I am for that. Even bad days don't last forever, and there is always a chance to begin again. At one time I dreaded change, but now I actually see the joy in the fact that nothing stays the same. B

The response would look something like this: Enjoying the early summer we are experiencing, the boys have been out back having waterfights and I have a moment to get a few things done. Nice to have a break from the rainy days of winter when we all have to be indoors so much. L

Of course your emails could be shorter, or longer, but I just wanted to give you a sense of what the actual flow of the emails might look like. In a sense it could be compared to sharing a journal entry with a friend.

I have noticed that I find myself seeing things with grateful-eyes, as I scan my day for possible entries. The added bonus is the peek I get into my friends life without the burden of needing to keep a long email thread going. We are both noticing how much this practice enriches our friendship and how simple it is. I have found that I look forward to receiving her gratitude emails as a chance to share in her daily life, even though we live hundreds of miles a part.

Lest you think that it is all rosy and beautiful, note this recent gratitude entry, Tough day today, just hit another car, nothing major, but still, frustrating, as well the wind is up and I suffer earaches in the wind, still, it is great to have a wonderful friend that I can share this with, and who can help me see the humour in tough times, B

Of course even when things are going wrong it is nice to have someone to share that with, and so, we practice gratitude for that. Give it a go, see for yourself. Beth

I've been thinking a lot about the word commitment lately. It sure brings up a lot doesn't it? So much so, you may decide not to read on, but please, keep reading, especially since this is the first time I made a commitment to write an article in the newsletter. That word, commitment, it seems to bring up resistance immediately, and yet, it is only through commitment that freedom, true freedom can be known and experienced. Seems a paradox doesn't it?

So what kind of commitment am I talking about? There are so many: commitment to a relationship; commitment to an idea; commitment to a dream; commitment to a person. What if our commitment was not to a specific goal or 'want' or person but a 'commitment to the process' itself? What if we could stand back and commit to allowing the unfoldment of what is being revealed to us in the moment. What if my commitment was in just being available to knowing the 'truth'. Then the question I might ask myself is 'What am I resisting in that?' What creates resistance and distrust in the process of change?

When I was in the midst of my own disordered eating it became obvious that my commitment needed to be to my process of healing and that meant a commitment to being there for myself in a way I had never been before, at a level of awareness and acceptance that seemed impossible at the time. In a very real way my 'in sane' behaviour was the catalyst to bring a level of self love and awareness that had never been present before.

That word has come up for me again as I look at my own process of healing and self growth, especially in the throws of peri-menopause. It seems whenever I'm not looking, other 'distractions' that I deem as most important seem to creep in and take up my day leaving my own self care and nurturing in the 'to do' list. I am grateful that when I'm out of balance life will hit me in the face immediately letting me know I've left myself behind; letting me know somewhere down the line I haven't been paying attention to myself or, maybe its telling me that a new level of self awareness is needed. Whatever it is, I have found that it is so important that we as women, at any stage of our lives have to keep re-committing to ourselves.

At every level of the spiral ( those of you who have had sessions with me know how I love to use the image of the spiral) we face resistance and, at the same time a choice to re-commit at a new level. Sometimes we may not recognize it as a choice because at each new level it looks different as we are faced with a different set of circumstances. Yes, yet again, we are faced with another level of resistance that can either give us permission to stay where we are, or, to say 'yes' and commit again to a new level of challenges. We can look at this as " Oh how wonderful I have another opportunity to commit even more deeply to allow me to see even more clearly what does not belong what holds me back" or "Oh my god I thought I had done this already!! Why do I have to choose again??? I thought I had done THAT before!!" If you're anything like me, both are true. And at each level is a new or more refined level of resistance, or fear to be seen in ourselves, understood, and then transcended. Thus a new level of self awareness, compassion and freedom to experience in ourselves, in our lives and to share with others making it all well worth it.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Always, ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative (and creation). There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans. That the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meeting and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now. Goethe

Well, I am thrilled with all the great feedback and suggestions that came my way from the article last month. If you missed it I was sharing an idea with you all about having a performance/variety show casted entirely of those in recovery or who have recovered from disordered eating.

I heard back from quite a few readers about events that had taken place in their communties with a similar intent. And also from some professionals elsewhere in Canada who have had a very similar idea of their own for many years and who share my enthusiasm for public education in the area of eating disorders.

It was very reassuring and affirming to get such great ideas and support. I've saved all the ideas, and noted who they came from so you can be credited and included when the time comes. For now I'm still reflecting on the idea and fully support anyone out there who feels motivated by my sharing to grab that bull by the horns!

My top projects right now are my book - just about done and ready to promote! And the implementation of a new movement space. As those taper down or as others come on board to handle some of the details I'll be looking more closely at the show idea and how to create greater awareness and understanding in the world at large for those who use food as a coping strategy.

Thanks again for your ideas and keep 'em coming!

Michelle

Founder of SafeTeen Anita Roberts has been working in the field of violence prevention since 1976. In 1985, she was chosen as a Canadian representative on violence against women to the United Nations "Decade of Women" conference in Nairobi. Anita has traveled extensively, teaching assault prevention to women and teens, as well as to professionals in her field, in Europe and the United States. The SafeTeen program has grown to include a team of facilitators and is currently being implemented in schools districts throughout British Columbia and the North West Territories.

In 1997, Anita was nominated for the YWCA "Women of Distiction" award in the category of Education, Training and Development, and is the author of "The Last Chance Cafe", which received an award for being one of the best B.C. books pertaining to women's issues. Anita Roberts is a dynamic public speaker and highly skilled workshop facilitator. She brings passion, personal journey, playful humour, and a strong commitment to change to her work. Her personal evolution, and the use of her journey to inform and give birth to her work, is truly inspiring.

The Conception of SafeTeen: The Founder's Personal Story I was the third girl not born a boy in a family of six girls. Mine was a "normal" 1950's childhood. A devoted buy rage-a-holic father and a loving but victimized mother helped to create a 'garden-variety' dysfunctional environment of both good times and ordinary times interrupted by episodes of unpredictable crisis and violence. As female children will do, I observed my mother carefully. I unconsciously knew that she was supposed to determine who I would be when I grew up. She seemed inconsequential beside my father, who's passionate nature and domineering personality made her seem invisible. My memories of my mother from my childhood years are pale and formless. She managed the small details of our lives floating about from room to room like a tired and harmless ghost. My mother was utterly powerless in the face of my father's eruptions of rage. When he would go after one of us kids, I remember her hovering on the outskirts of the violent episodes, wailing in despair, her arms flailing like the wings of a broken bird. I loved my mother but it became very clear to me at an early age that I didn't want to be like her.

In my early twenties I began studying karate with a women's martial arts organization. I had no awareness, at that time, of the connection between my fascination with martial arts and the "self- defence" issues in my childhood. My instructors were physically powerful women who seemed so in control of their lives. I was in awe of one woman in particular. She had a quiet strength combined with a fierceness and a skill level that won her the provincial championship in karate, three years running. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to feel that strong and in control and especially, that fearless. During a casual conversation one day, this fearless woman confessed to me that she was terrified to be at home alone at night. I felt devastated and I was confused. The warrior woman image I had of her did not fit this damsel in distress story. I was deeply disillusioned. Perhaps there was no hope for women to feel safer in the world.

A period of despair was followed by a persistent curiosity. I began to ask questions: Why do females tend to panic and freeze when faced with danger? How is it that a woman can suddenly overcome this paralyzing fear and perform amazing feats of bravery in order to save her children? Do women have good reason to be afraid or are they paranoid? The more I learned about the facts on violence against women, the more I came to understand that women's "paranoia" is a rational response to a real and potentially life threatening situation. Women who experience intense fear of assaults are simply women who are acutely aware of the very real dangers around them. I began to realize that the question shouldn't be so much, why are women afraid, but rather, why aren't women outraged? Further to that, why do women apologize all the time? Why do they take responsibility for acts of violence perpetrated on them? Why do they care so much if everyone likes them? Why do they so often put others needs first? Why do they have such difficulty saying, NO?

I felt compelled to understand the behavior of women in the face of danger. I wanted to know how fear and anger operates for females. I wanted to know how power and gender impact each other. More than anything, I wanted to know what women could do to be stronger and less fearful in a world where women and children were so frequently the targets of male violence. These questions informed the direction of my studies. I embarked on an in depth exploration of the socialization of women and the psychology of assault. Everything that I learned pointed to the same premise - that violence was intrinsically connected to issues of gender and power. To work toward making women safer seemed urgent and was the focus of my attention in the early years. The self defence classes I developed for girls and women taught basic martial arts based physical self defense skills. Although the physical self-defence moves were necessary life or death skills and I felt they were every woman's right to know, over time, I became more interested in preventing the attack in the first place. With this goal in mind I developed an assertiveness model with verbal and body language skills as the method of communicating inner power.

The SafeTeen assertiveness model was developed specifically to prevent and de-escalate violence. The skills are effective whether the threat is by a stranger or by someone we know, someone who is a peer or who is in a position of power and authority. Regardless of the type of violence, verbal, emotional or physical - the assertiveness model is geared to address the roots of violence and provides a concrete set of skills with which to stand up for ourselves from the inside - out. These skills offer females an alternative to "go along with it" and "just ignore him". They offer females a powerful alternative to violence. Young women between the ages of 14 and 18 are the highest risk group for assault, in the adult category, so as I shifted to violence prevention as my goal, I began to teach teenage girls. I decided to bring my work into the school setting because I felt I would reach the widest teen audience and believed the material taught in the workshops were a vital life skill and should be a part of every young woman's education.

In the Girls' Program, young women are introduced to: 'Child,' 'Bitch' and 'Wise Woman.' They learn how to work with fear (Child), manage anger (Bitch), and stand up and speak up for themselves (Wise Woman). Through role plays and hands-on exercises they learn how to deal effectively with verbal violence, sexual harassment, relationship violence and physical violence. In the Boys' Program, young men are introduced to 'Child,' 'Fighter' and 'Solid Guy.' They learn to work with fear (Child), manage anger (Fighter), and stand up and speak up for themselves in a 'Solid' way. They learn how to hold their own power and 'step down' from a potentially violent challenge with their dignity intact. Through naming and deconstructing the "boy's code" young men also learn how to free themselves from harmful stereotypes and make healthy choices in their relationships with young women. For more information about the SafeTeen Program, visit www.safeteen.com Text adapted from SafeTeen website, and used with permission of Anita Roberts.

This 12-week group will give us the opportunity to develop an appreciation of our spiritual nature without having to prescribe to a specific doctrine. In this group we will explore spirituality as an important part of our human experience, one that often gets short changed with our obsession of secular issues; setting boundaries, good communication skills etc.

It is our hope that after the group, participants will continue to explore their spirituality through art, ritual, nature, contemplation, music, community and any other avenues that they are drawn to.

This Group is the creation of Beth Burton-Krahn and she will be faciliating this offering in the fall. If you're beginning to ask those big questions about purpose and meaning or wanting a safe place to explore different meanings and expressions of spirituality this is the place for you.

email: info@cedriccentre.com

phone: 1-866-383-0797 / 250-383-0797

web: http://www.cedriccentre.com