With the holiday season fast-approaching, and the 'Trick- or-Treating' barely 24 hours past, I thought little tidbit on the health promoting qualities of chocolate seemed timely! At last, science catching up to what so many of us have always known - chocolate rocks! :) V.

More good news for dark chocolate lovers! Researchers at the University of L'Aquila in Italy found that dark chocolate may help the body use insulin more effectively and decrease blood pressure.

The study, published by the American Society of Clinical Nutrition, tested the effects of both dark chocolate and white chocolate on a group of healthy adults. Dark chocolate contains sugar and cocoa solids but no milk solids (milk chocolate contains both sugar and milk solids and was not used in the study). White chocolate, though called chocolate, does not contain any cocoa solids. It is made of cocoa butter (the fat in chocolate), milk solids and sugar. The study found that participants who ate 100 grams of dark chocolate every day for 15 days had lower blood pressure and were more sensitive to insulin than they were at the beginning.

The benefits of dark chocolate are believed to come from flavonoids, a class of plant chemicals found in many foods. The flavonoids in cocoa solids are associated with a lower risk of heart disease and some cancers. White chocolate showed no effect in this study because it doesn't contain cocoa solids.

Have you ever wanted to 'Ask a Counsellor'? Now you can! Our counsellor's will be providing insights into your questions about the journey to wellness. We'll be featuring a new question monthly, and endeavor to addess whatever feels relevant to you - so please, send us your questions! Here's the question for this month: "Even though I know that taking responsibility for other people's needs and feelings isn't good for me, I have trouble changing this pattern; especially in long- standing relationships, like with my partner or family members. How do I change these co-dependent patterns in my closest relationships?"

BETH: Thanks for such a great question! Chances are, that like so many of us, you received great training as a young child in putting the needs of others' ahead of your own. Perhaps it was to placate an angry father or an alcoholic mother, but whatever the reason, you developed this co-dependent way of interacting in order to survive. Make no mistake, human beings are hard wired for survival, and we depend on others for a long time to ensure our survival. So whatever we have to do, we do. So, Congratulations! You have survived.

And now, the exciting part; You are no longer that young child who is so helpless and dependent on others for your very survival. You are now an adult. You are now responsible for your survival needs and for all of your other needs too!

Now, you may have a "child" part that is terrified of letting go of taking care of the needs of others. This "child" part is terrified of rejection. Because as a child, absolute rejection could have meant death, and no one is going to risk that let me tell you. But now, along side with this "child" part, you also have this wonderful Adult part, whom I call the nurturing adult, who can talk with that child part and remind her that she isn't helpless anymore. Our "child" part often gets evoked or "triggered" when we are around our family and so it is good to remind ourself that we are an adult now, and that we can leave if we want to, we can say no if we want to. We can care for ourself now.

And now, as an adult you must become comfortable with the possibility of rejection. Because if you risk being authentic, and not playing a role anymore, others may not like it. They may not like it so much that they reject you. And this is an outcome that none of us desire. But healthy adults can handle rejection. Sure it hurts and no one says, "Me? I love rejection." None the less, as we grow and change, and risk living our lives authentically and standing up for our values, we may also face more rejection from others. Of course, in some relationships, our authentic self will be welcomed and the relationship will continue to grow. But in other relationships, perhaps even only one or two, there might be rejection. And it is this very fear of rejection that makes it difficult to make these changes. Difficult, but not impossible. And yet, paradoxically, the beautiful part is that we are finally experiencing acceptance from the most important person in our life! Ourself.

In recovery, we also develop nourishing, healthy relationships that encourage the growth of our authentic self so that as we risk setting boundaries, or sharing our real feelings in our "long-established" relationships, we can find support from a healthy network of people who cherish the real us, should we find those "long-established" relationships are unable to change and grow along with us. None of us reaches a state of healthy autonomy without some real losses.

MICHELLE: That's a great question, and one that we all come up against when we're looking at changing our co- dependent patterns. Co-dependency is the pattern of taking responsibility for other people's feelings and needs or expecting that they should take on your feelings or needs without you having to tell them what you need and how they can meet that need for you. It means getting upset when someone won't do something we ask them to (this doesn't include issues of safety and security) because we believe that person is responsible for making us happy. Co- dependency also means feeling bad or wrong when something you do to meet a need of your own hurts someone else's feelings. This last statement is a toughy to understand when we're just beginning to explore the concept of co-dependency in our relationships with others as the person who asked this month's question is doing.

In the co-dependent way of looking at things if something you do upsets someone else or doesn't meet their needs in some way you've done something wrong; you shouldn't have taken care of yourself because someone else got upset when you did; you should have just not even tried to meet your needs because that person got hurt or mad; you should have known how that person would feel/react and then you should have behaved in a way that didn't trigger that person to feel anything but positive feelings towards you. Because what co-dependency is really all about is our fear of other peoples anger and disappointment in us. We fear their feelings because we fear their rejection. That's co- dependency.

When we begin to make changes in a co-dependent connection (which pretty much all of your relationships will be to some degree at the beginning of this process because that is the model of relationships that you were taught to emulate) we feel great fear and anxiety even if the other person is healthy and encouraging us to take these steps to respect ourselves more. That's because our co- dependency isn't about what others really think or feel about us, it's about our core-beliefs that say we are not deserving of having a need let alone getting one met; we are responsible for everything; and we aren't good enough. With these beliefs running the show within, we begin to interpret everything that happens to us in the world as proof of these beliefs. If someone scoops a parking spot just before we get to it "see, that's proof, I'm not deserving, I don't matter!" If someone we love gets sad or mad that we're going out with friends for the evening. "See, I told you so, I should have just stayed home and not even brought it up, I'm bad for wanting to go out." We don't say no to offers of food from certain people because we don't want to hurt their feelings. "See, other people are more important than me."

All sorts of daily experiences are viewed through those co-dependent lenses, building an overwhelming case for the truth of your belief system and why you shouldn't even try to change it - of course you believe that, you believe you're not good enough, not deserving and responsible for everyone. That's the old way of thinking and you can't use the old way of thinking about a problem to solve it. Like Albert Einstein said, the mindset that we used to create a problem cannot be the one we use to get us out of it. So, if the concepts of challenging your co- dependent patterns feel scary, wrong, bad etc. that's only because you're still wearing glasses that give you that old perspective on life experiences. Let's take some concrete steps to change that prescription shall we?

1. First, do some reconnaissance. This means, don't change anything outwardly. Just invite yourself to notice the relationships in your life and the situations within them that trigger you to respond co- dependently. What you're looking for are times when you don't express yourself authentically because you've assumed that it will offend or wound someone else. You're also looking for times when you did express yourself authentically and someone got hurt or upset or maybe took some space and you respond internally by saying you've done something wrong (you'll notice you're feeling anxious when this happens and that you believe you need to "right the wrong" before you can be calm - this too is an example of co-dependency) You must be able to settle your own distress, independent of others and trust that your experience and your needs are valid even if they never agree. Anything less is still co- dependency.

2. The Head's Up Conversation: Now that you've spent a few days or a week doing your reconnaissance and learning about specific situations where you get triggered to behave co-dependently. It's time to share this information with those key people in your life. So, pick a relationship eg. Sister, husband, best-friend, parent. And then pick one pattern that you noticed between the two of you that frequently leads you to feel bad/wrong/responsible. Eg. Your best friend gets very silent and withdrawn when you say you can't get together with her. You typically respond to that by saying, "well I suppose I could cancel my (whatever) and get together with you instead." She immediately brightens and you feel frustrated and stuck but relieved she's not mad at you! The next time you see your friend you give her a head's up about this pattern, how it impacts you and what you're going to be doing differently in the future. It might sound something like this. "Your friendship is really important to me and I want the time we spend together to be the best it can be. I've noticed that sometimes when you ask me to get together and I've got other plans or just need a night at home, you get silent and withdrawn on the phone. In the past I've interpreted that as you're mad at me, or I've done something wrong and I've often changed my plans to be with you because I don't want you to hurt or be mad. I realize that's not respectful of you because I'm taking responsibility for your needs and assuming that I know what you need. So, from now on, I'm just going to focus on what feels right to me at the time. You have the right to feel sad if you have a need for connection and I'm not available to meet with you. And, I'm just going to allow you to have those feelings rather than trying to protect you from them." This is a courageous conversation when the co-dependent beliefs still feel true, but it is important to remind yourself that your way of thinking is harmful to you and to your relationships and if you default into the old way of thinking and feeling you will stay stuck in those old patterns.

3. Follow through: Now, you've done your reconnaissance, you know what needs to change in your behaviour and thought processes; you've had your heads up conversation to let the other person know that you're changing the old pattern and that you still love and care for them and want them in your life. It's time for the follow through. The next time your best friend calls and does her old sad and withdrawn thing you just remind yourself that this is that old pattern, you're not taking it on and stick to your original plan even if it's to stay home and brush the cat! You don't have to point it out to her, she'll figure it out or ask you about it down the road. You're not responsible for her remember! And whatever anxiety is alive in you after you hang up the phone and didn't buy into the old pattern can be mostly quelled by asking yourself - would I rather have gone? What would I be feeling if I had caved in and gone? That will take most of the distress away. The rest of the distress is coming from the fear that you've done something very wrong and the friendship has suffered irreparable damage. The only thing that's going to take care of this, aside from getting some reassurance from others (besides your best friend), is time. You need time to see that your friendship is still intact, that it's actually better than before, that there is space for you to be yourself in the relationship. And after a few of these cycles of recon, head's up and follow through you'll feel very little anxiety and truly begin to trust that you have the right to take care of yourself only and let others take care of themselves.

I could say much more on this key topic. But let me just encourage you to have those courageous conversations and to take it slow. Let this be a process that occurs over the next year or two. Gently but steadfastly moving forward and attending to relationship patterns in this way will ensure that you feel as safe and as reassured as you can while you're stepping into new territory. Remember - the same mindset we used to create the problem can't be the one we use to get us out. Your way of thinking about yourself and your relationships is flawed and you can't use that same way of thinking and reasoning to change its self. Something new and different is required.

By Michelle Morand, Founder and Director of The CEDRIC Centre.

WHY WE ASSUME IT'S ABOUT US.

There are some characteristics that are common to all those with disordered eating. That is not to say that each of us isn't unique - we are. And there is something in each of us that invites us to respond similarly to certain circumstances and experiences. One of these common characteristics is the tendency to see ourselves as responsible for pretty much everything that is going on for everyone else. What other people are thinking, feeling, doing, and needing, it's all about us. Somehow, we did or didn't do something that created that thought, feeling, behaviour or need in the other and sooner or later we are going to be held responsible for that thing, whatever it is.

The first part of the previous sentence is just downright untrue. You are not responsible for what someone else thinks, feels, needs or for their behaviour. You are not responsible for how someone else chooses to interpret their world or for how they choose to respond to their interpretations.

Now for the latter part of the aforementioned sentence: It is very likely that, if you are one of the "assume it's about me-er's" you experienced times in your life when you were held responsible for whatever wasn't working in someone's life. You likely experienced a time when you were blindsided by someone's wrath or judgment of you as to blame for something that happened to them. Regardless of the validity or absurdity of this accusation, this experience has disastrous effects if it happens often or around a traumatic event. We will internalize the message that, even if we don't know what we did or how we did it, we are responsible for the pain of others. And we will come to believe that we are responsible for eradicating that pain. In fact in many cases this experience happens in childhood, with our primary caregiver(s) and so, our very basic needs for security and love rest with our taking responsibility for the others' pain and making it better. It seems the only way to gain forgiveness and so to be assured of love once more.

If we are in relationship with someone as a dependent, peer, or significant other who has difficulty taking responsibility for getting their needs met we are likely to be blamed frequently for their dissatisfaction with life and with our relationship. We hear the message so frequently, whether stated verbally or non-verbally, that if only we would (fill in the blank) they wouldn't: get so angry; feel so stupid; feel so sad; do x y or z (fill in the blank). Or "You make me so x y or z" As though we have the power to make anyone do or feel anything that they are not willing to do or feel.

This message can be stated non-verbally by a person who acts angrily or dismissively of us until we press, cajole, sacrifice ourselves enough and take responsibility for their feelings and needs. It might sound something like this: Person A: "Is there something bothering you" Person B: "Nope" Person A: "Have I done something to upset you" Person B: Silence Person A: "Are you upset because I came home 10 minutes late?"

Here you've totally set yourself up - the person said nothing was wrong and yet you continued on, taking responsibility for feelings they may or may not have been having and that they were ultimately responsible for expressing. Now, whether they were annoyed with you or not for coming home late, you've laid your neck on the chopping block and given them carte blanche to blame you for their bad mood or behaviour. It can also be pretty annoying if nothing is bothering you and someone won't accept that and keeps badgering you for details.

In mature and respectful adult communication each of us is responsible for expressing our feelings and needs. If we have had the experience of being judged or ridiculed for the expression of our feelings and needs by significant people in our lives we will feel exceptionally vulnerable doing this. And yet to expect someone to guess what's bothering us or read our minds is just not appropriate. In essence we are setting that person up like we were set up: to assume that someone's mood or behaviour is our fault in some way.

1. The trick to changing this assumptive pattern is to notice when you are assuming that you have done something to upset someone or haven't sufficiently met their needs.

2. Ask yourself if this person has adequately expressed their feelings of discontent and been clear about what they are hurt about or what need they had that didn't get met.

3. If they haven't expressed anything to you directly don't assume it's about you. You can check in with the person about how they're doing and if they need anything from you.

4. Approach the person from a "I can see you're troubled and I'd like to help" perspective and not from a "What have I done wrong?" perspective.

5. Honor the response you get. If they say nothing's wrong - let it go. If they say they don't want to discuss it - let it go. If they give you the silent treatment - let it go. It is their responsibility to communicate their needs to you. It is not your responsibility to guess what they are feeling and needing.

6. If you absolutely can't do the above right now try the 10 second rule: Give yourself 10 seconds to check in with yourself and ask if there is something that you are conscious of having done that would hurt or offend this person. If you can't think of something within ten seconds let it go.

The pattern of assuming it's about us typically goes back to our childhood. So, it's been around a long time. It's going to feel strange, uncomfortable, likely even anxiety producing to not take responsibility at first. I guarantee you that if you are willing to feel a little anxiety up front you will feel a lot of relief and freedom in the end.

This is a beautiful example of how we typically feel at the beginning of the recovery process - M.

By Wilma D.

There is nobody who can love me enough to make me love me.

How do I come to this place of peace within my mortal shell? How do I accept myself in the now? The chains of never feeling 'good enough' imprison me.

I ask 'Good enough for whom?' To what expectations do I need to measure myself?!! Who speaks these messages to me? The messages of less than? The messages of imperfection? The messages of ugliness? The messages of failure? Mixed messages. Messages that mix me up.

Where can I find that delicate line between self-preservation and selfishness? How do I compromise in differences? What parts will I loose of self? What parts will I let go of, should let go of? What parts grow and gain insight, strength?

How can I love another completely when I am so utterly incomplete?

Deepest gratitude and acknowledgement to Wilma for allowing us to share her writing.

Getting Clear about "NO"

One of the things that makes setting a boundary so difficult is our confusion around what setting a boundary actually is. Many of us have confused setting boundaries with rejecting others, and conversely, we may experience rejection when other people set boundaries with us. One way that we can work with this confusion is to separate out "behaviour" or "request" from "person making request" or "person engaging in behaviour".

For example, a friend might ask me to take her child after school one day, and in confusing "person" with "request" I take on the task, because of course, I don't want to reject my friend. But if I just take a moment to realize that, in fact, I am only saying no to the request, and that my feelings about my friend remain firmly intact, I can see that they are two different things. And if the shoe is on the other foot and we ask a favor of others, and they say no, we can assume that they are saying no to our request, and not to us, as a person.

This cognitive distinction is very important because with confusing these two issues, we generate feelings of shame or hurt. We experience shame if we assume that someone is rejecting us, as a person, when they say no to us. And others can experience hurt and shame if they assume we are rejecting them, as a person, when we say no to them. Sorting this out can bring great relief, making it easier to say "no" and easier to hear "no" from others.

Doctors say they have found further evidence to suggest television programmes encourage eating disorders among teenage girls.

It follows a major study examining the impact of the introduction of television in two towns in the Pacific islands of Fiji.

Dr Anne Becker and colleagues from Harvard Medical School found that levels of poor body image and incidents of eating disorders among girls have increased since they were first exposed to television.

In a country where girls traditionally have good appetites and larger body shapes, many girls now vomit to control their weight, are on diets and believe they are too fat.

Here is a beautiful excerpt from The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.

The journey to wholeness requires that you look honestly, openly and with courage into yourself, into the dynamics that lie behind what you feel, what you perceive, what you value and how you act. It is a journey through your defenses and beyond so that you can experience consciously the nature of your personality, face what it has produced in your life and choose to change that.

When you choose to challenge and release a negative aspect of yourself, that aspect comes to the foreground. Everything starts to serve that purpose.

Within each experience of pain or negativity is the opportunity to challenge the perception that lies behind it, the fear that lies behind it, and to choose to learn with wisdom. The fear will not vanish immediately, but it will disintegrate as you work with courage. When fear ceases to scare you, it cannot stay.

When you choose to learn through wisdom, to evolve consciously, your fears surface one at a time in order for you to exorcise them with inner faith. This is how it happens. You exorcise your own demons. Do not despair as your humanness awakens.

Feel the intentions in your heart. Feel not what your mind tells you. Rather than serve the fake gods of your mind, serve your heart, the real God. You will not find God in your intellect. Divine intelligence is in the heart. -Gary Zukav

Karen sent this to me via email and I found it so heartwarming I wanted to share it! V.

What does Love mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (What an imagination!) Karen - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (We need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

A Message to our Valued Clients: As of October 2005, please be aware that our counsellors will be charging a fee (per quarter hour) for support received by phone or email outside of scheduled session times. Please feel free to speak to our counsellors if you have any questions or concerns.

New Phase 1 Group! This powerful 12 week group provides participants with the support and tools necessary to experience lasting freedom from disordered eating, The Diet Mentality and body image preoccupation. This is a week-night group (days and times set according to participant preferences), and will begin as soon as we have a confirmed core group of participants. To register or for more info: call (250) 383-0797.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHARE YOUR STORY?

CURRENT RESEARCH BEING CONDUCTED ON EATING DISORDER TREATMENT AND RECOVERY

Morgan Lazzaro-Smith 720-422-9946 lazzarosmith@yahoo.com

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WHAT THE HEALING PROCESS IS OR HAS BEEN LIKE FOR YOU, PLEASE CONTACT ME. YOU CAN EITHER COMPLETE A BRIEF QUESTIONNAIRE OR SPEAK WITH ME IN PERSON (OR BY PHONE). ALL PERSONAL INFORMATION WILL BE HELD IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE. NO NAMES WILL BE USED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. YOUR STORY IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO VERY VALUABLE!! PLEASE CALL OR EMAIL SOON IF YOU MIGHT WISH TO CONTRIBUTE, OR WANT MORE INFORMATION.

email: info@cedriccentre.com

phone: 1-866-383-0797 / 250-383-0797

web: http://www.cedriccentre.com